I expected the therapist to be like the psychiatrists in movies: a serious man with long-ish hair slicked back, sitting with his legs crossed and his clipboard perched atop his lap, peering at us over his glasses as he asked questions, digging deep into each issue - dissecting it until we found the root of the problem, then providing us with the prescribed solution.
Instead we were greeted by a cheerful giant of a man who I can only describe as a cross between a grandpa, a farmer and a shaven Santa Claus. In my memory he is wearing overalls but I think in reality he wore a dress shirt and slacks with mud-crusted cowboy boots.
After a short introduction he spent less than five minutes reviewing our history, current points of conflict, and why we were there to see him. (So much for dissecting!) He then jumped right in to our first lesson on positive communication. He told us blame had to be removed entirely from our marriage. That all requests needed to be done using "I" statements, reflecting only our own feelings and worded to encourage positive reactions.
He asked for an example of a frustration I was currently experiencing, but a minor one. It was winter and I was very pregnant, so I related my frustration regarding the snow-covered ramp that leads to our front door. I felt like the fact that it was constantly covered in dangerously slick snow, because Joe did not shovel it, was certain proof that he had no true concern for my, our two year old's, and our baby's well-being. I will never forget the therapists slightly joking response "yes, well, pregnant women do have a tendency to feel sorry for themselves." Seriously. He said that. With a chuckle and an elbow nudge to Joe like they were old buddies. Ok maybe there was no elbow nudge, but there was a chuckle and those words certainly did escape his mouth. I think we went back only once after that. I tried to assume the best and just chalk up the pregnant woman comment to old fashioned male chauvinism. But honestly, as hard as I tried to believe in and implement the positive communication ideas, it felt fake. I just wanted to talk it out with Joe like I did with my sisters growing up, that was real communication to me. Get it all out on the table and deal with it. Maybe only girls do that, I thought, or maybe it's just not Joe's style; but for one reason or another that method never worked.
So, we've plugged along. It's been about 7 years since that time and we've had our ups and downs, managing to communicate well enough to survive while dealing with a few recurring issues that resurface every few months. A couple of weeks ago I was feeling especially frustrated with our lack of communication. I prayed for guidance and was prompted to forget myself and consider his needs, to be more loving toward him. I tried for a couple of hours but just didn't have the patience to persevere. I gave up on being loving, I focused only on my problems and didn't even attempt using "I feel" statements. I let it all out, told it "like it is". It was not pretty. I pushed Joe long enough that he finally did the same. We both ended up feeling hurt, sad and frustrated. Though we did gain a bit of understanding, the cost was much greater than I had anticipated. We traded blind love for seeing anger. Too high a price if you ask me.
For the next few days I pondered on what had occurred. As has happened often over the years, I thought again about the positive communication approach advocated by our one time counselor, wondering if this would have brought the loving understanding I so desired, if only I would have stuck with it. But, I argued with myself, how can you have understanding without honesty, without getting everything off your chest and being completely open? That was when it FINALLY dawned on me, over 7 years later, why the approach of limiting communication to "I" statements is valid, real, and necessary. And why my approach of "get it all out and deal with it" is not the honest and open communication I believed it was. It is so simple, I can't believe it took me so long to figure it out.
He asked for an example of a frustration I was currently experiencing, but a minor one. It was winter and I was very pregnant, so I related my frustration regarding the snow-covered ramp that leads to our front door. I felt like the fact that it was constantly covered in dangerously slick snow, because Joe did not shovel it, was certain proof that he had no true concern for my, our two year old's, and our baby's well-being. I will never forget the therapists slightly joking response "yes, well, pregnant women do have a tendency to feel sorry for themselves." Seriously. He said that. With a chuckle and an elbow nudge to Joe like they were old buddies. Ok maybe there was no elbow nudge, but there was a chuckle and those words certainly did escape his mouth. I think we went back only once after that. I tried to assume the best and just chalk up the pregnant woman comment to old fashioned male chauvinism. But honestly, as hard as I tried to believe in and implement the positive communication ideas, it felt fake. I just wanted to talk it out with Joe like I did with my sisters growing up, that was real communication to me. Get it all out on the table and deal with it. Maybe only girls do that, I thought, or maybe it's just not Joe's style; but for one reason or another that method never worked.
So, we've plugged along. It's been about 7 years since that time and we've had our ups and downs, managing to communicate well enough to survive while dealing with a few recurring issues that resurface every few months. A couple of weeks ago I was feeling especially frustrated with our lack of communication. I prayed for guidance and was prompted to forget myself and consider his needs, to be more loving toward him. I tried for a couple of hours but just didn't have the patience to persevere. I gave up on being loving, I focused only on my problems and didn't even attempt using "I feel" statements. I let it all out, told it "like it is". It was not pretty. I pushed Joe long enough that he finally did the same. We both ended up feeling hurt, sad and frustrated. Though we did gain a bit of understanding, the cost was much greater than I had anticipated. We traded blind love for seeing anger. Too high a price if you ask me.
For the next few days I pondered on what had occurred. As has happened often over the years, I thought again about the positive communication approach advocated by our one time counselor, wondering if this would have brought the loving understanding I so desired, if only I would have stuck with it. But, I argued with myself, how can you have understanding without honesty, without getting everything off your chest and being completely open? That was when it FINALLY dawned on me, over 7 years later, why the approach of limiting communication to "I" statements is valid, real, and necessary. And why my approach of "get it all out and deal with it" is not the honest and open communication I believed it was. It is so simple, I can't believe it took me so long to figure it out.
For over seven years I failed to realize that saying everything on my mind did not equal truth or honesty. In actuality it is justification for spewing the necessarily inaccurate judgements I have created in my mind, giving them life, arming them so they can cut down whomever I direct them at. The tongue is a sharp sword, and one that is at its' sharpest when I take aim at the heart of those I love most.
The beauty of "I" statements is that they limit me to stating only what I know to be true. I feel vs. you always. It used to seem that I was holding back my true feelings. But as I've been slowly changing my words, I have found I am forced to dig deeper and consider the more raw, personal feelings behind the anger or frustration. You always stay so late at work forcing me to to do dinner all on my own vs. I feel lonely when you stay late at work.
It is still hard for me to remember that judgement is judgement, even with family. Considering Mother Teresa's words "If you judge people you have no time to love them", I would say especially with family. God wants to take this burden from us, it was never ours to carry.
I love this scripture in Ether 12:27:
27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/ether/12.27?lang=eng#26
It doesn't say "if wives will tell husbands their weakness". God will teach my husband. God will teach my children. He will even teach me, though it takes seven years to get through to me sometimes. Love and honesty (true honesty) are all he requires of me as a wife and mother. The days when I remember this, the days when I leave the responsibility in God's hands, those days are filled with love and peace.
I love this scripture in Ether 12:27:
27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/ether/12.27?lang=eng#26
It doesn't say "if wives will tell husbands their weakness". God will teach my husband. God will teach my children. He will even teach me, though it takes seven years to get through to me sometimes. Love and honesty (true honesty) are all he requires of me as a wife and mother. The days when I remember this, the days when I leave the responsibility in God's hands, those days are filled with love and peace.
